A Big Tool for Avoiding Abusive Coercive Controllers
Life quality is going to be hugely influenced by whether or not we avoid the negative, abusive, controlling people in the world, so here's a 'Red Flag' warning sign to look out for...
Here’s an article that may help you recognise dangerous people quicker and better.
It covers both personal relationships and personal development movements.
We’re human, so we both want to, and need to engage in relationships.
And if you’re interested in improving your life and making the most of your individual potential for personal success, it’s quite possible that at some point you’re going to encounter opportunities to engage with related personal development brands and organisations, such as this one.
There’s been a lot of talk around in recent weeks about spiritual and personal development cults and the abusive personalities running them.
I’ve been talking with a lot of people recently about their experiences of leaving what they are calling a cult, and we’ve also noted a documentary on the BBC about what they’re calling a personal development cult.
Put that environment together with personal relationships; marriages, love relationships, friendships, etc. and that’s a very wide area in which we want to keep both safe and well, both mentally and physically, and financially, too.
And what does ‘dangerous’ people mean? Well it might be less obvious than you think, and it might include people who you thought were less likely to be so.
A kind-seeming person can be very damaging. Any form of control is dangerous. Anything - or rather, anyone - who shuts down your joy, your sense of spaciousness and possibility, or your free will is a negative influence.
Imperative Grammar
Imperative Grammar is the language of telling other people what to do.
The tool this article relates to is your ability to notice when people are using Imperative Grammar - either with you, or with others - and see if you think it’s a red flag (a warning sign) that they might be the kind of people who’d happily control you.
Here are a dozen examples;
“Come to dinner!”, or “Come for a drink!”
“Don’t worry about it.”
“Make sure it all goes to plan.”
“Don’t answer me back.”
“Let me give you some advice.”
“Tell them you don’t want to… xyz”
“Do as I say.”
“Wear the blue one.”
“Hurry up!”
“Don’t eat so quickly.”
“Get more exercise.”
“Don’t be late!”
Imperative Grammar (instructions) can also be seemingly ‘positive’, and well-meaning, such as;
Keep going!
Get your groove on!
These, also, may or may not be intentionally controlling. They could be.
For a lot of years now, I’ve made it my choice and policy to not use Imperative Grammar at all, and I have developed an instant ‘radar’ to protect myself, such that the moment I hear others using it my attention is grabbed.
I can then use my discernment to filter out which usage I think is innocent, and which I sense is part of an ongoing pattern of speech, however subtle, which shows a desire to control, whether consciously intended or unconsciously driven.
As a result, people who use language to control or judge, even unwittingly, don’t remain in my life.
All of the wise people I know have no interest in telling other people what to do.
It’s also a matter of respect: Respect for the other person’s free will and the importance that they make their own choices.
At the same time, wise people do take responsibility for their own choices not to have anything to do with people they notice to be not respectful. A controlling or otherwise disrespectful person might not notice this. Wise people just walk away, often before anyone’s realised.
Imperative grammar can be innocuous. For example, if you ask me for directions and I say; “Turn left at the next junction”, technically that’s imperative grammar - technically I’m telling you what to do. But there’s a context there that means it’s probably harmless.
That doesn’t mean that everything that seems harmless, is.
There’s a whole spectrum here.
If a woman asked a man for directions, and they said; “Go down the road and take the first left. I tell you what, let me take that bag for you…”
Well, hang on! If they were offering rather than controlling, they would more likely say; “Would you like me to take that bag for you?”, not given an instruction such as “Let me…”
On page 387 of the Kissing Consciousness Handbook, I wrote the following about Imperative Grammar;
Imperative Grammar is the language of telling people what to do: “Shut up!”, “Stop crying!”, “Don’t interrupt!”, “Do this, do that!” For the most part it is controlling and therefore also abusive. It’s encouraging people to be External Referral (Fear Consciousness) rather than being Self-Referral (Love Consciousness). They don’t want you to do what you want to do; they want you to do what they want you to do.
I say “for the most part” because being controlling is about more than the language and the grammar itself; it’s about when using Imperative Grammar is the energy of Control and Abuse Consciousness, because a genuine friend could jokingly tell you to “Shut up!” and not be trying to control you. That said, a seemingly innocent joke could be controlling or psychologically abusive. Is the energy playful or does it make you feel heavy and your true joy repressed?
Saying “Let’s” is also often a very subtle form of control, as it translates as “This is what we’re all going to do.” It speaks for other people, rather than letting them speak for their own truth. This is often to control debate: “Let’s focus on the…”, or “Let’s not get distracted by … [a truth?]” Similarly, defensive politicians and sports coaches will say “Look…” (or “Listen…”) when interviewed. Even if they mean no malice, they still unwittingly betray a Fear Consciousness resistance to people taking other points of view.
By the way, I referred to two Kissing Consciousness terms there; Love Consciousness and Fear Consciousness. The following article will introduce you to these:
Free Will and Choice vs Control and Abuse
This is all about free will.
A person who has respect for you and honours your boundaries (even if you aren’t aware of your inherent boundaries) will honour your free will, and therefore support your right to choose for you.
The alternative to that is, of course, controlling and not respecting people’s free will. Imperative Grammar is more often than not found a lot more in people who don’t care to respect other people’s boundaries and free will.
A Major Source of Imperative Grammar Control and Abuse
One particular colossal sphere of imperative grammar, control and abusive behaviour is advertising; television, radio, posters and more.
This is such a big area that I dedicated an entire article to it a few weeks back, called ‘Advertising is the Mortal Enemy of Your Success’.
It’s well worth a read, I strongly recommend it.
A Final Word of Caution
None of this means that there aren’t people out there who are clever enough to come across as offering choice and respecting your boundaries, only to change their ways once you’re passed a point, perhaps a certain point of no return.
As always, beliefs are not a substitute for your awareness. This truth has been the subject of two of my recent articles:
An Exercise in Respecting Your Own Boundaries
Page 286 of the Kissing Consciousness Handbook gives a full explanation of an exercise I call The Boundaries Exercise, which teaches you how to respect your own boundaries, and those of others.
In this video below, Fiona Cutts and I demonstrate this exercise. It can help you develop an all-powerful sense of your own choice, as well as an ability to integrate with other people.
“Hold presence, listen to the body, integrate boundaries and add value.” - The Kissing Consciousness Motto
The third part of the Kissing Consciousness Motto is “integrate boundaries”, and this class is all about that. It’s a vital core life skill.
If you follow this link below you can also view 5 minute, 17 minute and the full 30 minute edits of that class - it’s free.
By the way, the four main areas of life that the motto relates to - mind, body, relationships and prosperity - are the reason why the Kissing Consciousness logo has four parts.
Further help…
If you’d like my help with this, or any other issue, please arrange a free discovery call with me via this link and we can see if one to one coaching can help you;
www.kissingconsciousness.com/coaching
And I mentioned the Kissing Consciousness Handbook above. This will also help you. You can buy the book here in both paperback and Kindle formats;
And you can get the first two chapters of the book as a PDF for free with my compliments via this link;
www.kissingconsciousness.com/chapters
Kindest,
James
